The mind wonders and the heart wanders

not always in the same ways.

Lately my mind has been all over the place. It's been like that since end November. Vietnam, Taiwan, Christmas, New Years and now Chinese New Year. All in a span of less than 2 months. While most people list the year end festivities as their favourite, it's hardly the case for me. Perhaps it's too overwhelming for an introvert like me.

I constantly feel drained and I just wish I could be by myself more.

Days - Fridge courtesy for living together

Today I found rotting cheese sauce in my fridge. The tub of cheese sauce had been sitting there for a while, but I did not look at it because it's not mine, and I generally believe in not eating things that do not belong to me because the person who bought it must have wanted to eat it that's why they bought it.

I find it extremely gross and revolting that there is rotting food in my fridge. I am the youngest person living at home and find it appalling that as grown adults, there is no sense of communal living and basic hygiene, or courtesy. Living together as a family, with a helper, means that yes, sometimes you do get to leave plates in the sink and not wash them. Take someones cotton when yours runs out. It's perfectly normal to enjoy these "privileges" of living with a family. But at the same times, it also means respecting space that you share, or does not belong to you.

The fridge is really a communal space. Everyone stores their things in it, including food you want to prepare, and unfinished food. If you are not going to eat it again within the next 2 days, do not put it into the fridge even if it means trashing it. We are so blessed with excess that we do not think twice about buying too much. This too much that we buy ends up being wasted. It's just a lack of discipline in the home that really pushes me to the wall.

Many times I've heard, "Yah, I saw that it was expired already.", but did not take it out of the fridge to throw it. What is that?? That's just pure laziness. The helper can help you to clean the place (she's also lazy - I think it's what she's used to having lived here for so long), but do not expected her to do every single thing. You must be, and should be, responsible for your own things and living environment.

Thankfulness

I'm really grateful that I have JR to help me with things that I want to do, yet get so stressed out doing it I don't even know why I torture myself by doing it in the first place. In my many unsuccessful attempts to clean up the clutter in my house alongside very uncooperative family members, JR has always been there to help me even if he knows it's just another futile attempt, and possibly a waste of precious time. Which is something I really appreciate because time is very precious and to do something that he has no interest in just because he wants to "make my life easier", shows how much he's given for me. I don't usually think of how much he's had to endure but last night, even though I could tell he just wanted to rest and questioned my methods, he just pressed on even when I lost steam and just sat there. And I was very touched. Thank you for always helping me along even when you don't want to.

All the best ideas come out of the process

“The advice I like to give young artists, or really anybody who'll listen to me, is not to wait around for inspiration. Inspiration is for amateurs; the rest of us just show up and get to work. If you wait around for the clouds to part and a bolt of lightning to strike you in the brain, you are not going to make an awful lot of work. All the best ideas come out of the process; they come out of the work itself. Things occur to you. If you're sitting around trying to dream up a great art idea, you can sit there a long time before anything happens. But if you just get to work, something will occur to you and something else will occur to you and something else that you reject will push you in another direction. Inspiration is absolutely unnecessary and somehow deceptive. You feel like you need this great idea before you can get down to work, and I find that's almost never the case.” 
― Chuck Close

I guess after 2 years of being pushed around, being ignorant and and lost a lot of the time, this is really how it is. There is no time for feeling lost. When you're discouraged, just pick yourself up and do. Even if you're scared, just do. No amount of wallowing in self pity or being too afraid to do anything, or even worse, being in a state of denial and escapism, will make things better. In fact, they just get worse because you were not doing enough to face them when the issues were smaller and more manageable.

2014

The new year has been especially meaningful for me. I can't tell if it's for the better or not - somethings don't feel good, even though you know eventually you will be thankful it happened, it doesn't stop the feelings from being as intense and hurtful now. As someone said to me, "So it hasn't been a very pleasant new year for you." Indeed, it has not been a good one. It didn't turn out the way I expected it to at all - after all, New Years are usually reserved for new hopes and aspirations. For me, I think the good I can draw for this is a clean slate.

God does work in mysterious ways that I don't think I'll ever be able to understand. I'm just glad I discovered strength and rationality in myself that I never knew existed. 

Generosity of the heart

Someone told me today that I was being taken advantage of by some people close to me. Initially I wanted to disagree because the thought of me thinking badly of these people close to me just didn't sit very well, something like a bad thought and that I shouldn't be feeling that way. But the more I thought about it, the more I couldn't deny that that was indeed what was happening. I was being taken advantage of. Yet the reason why I felt like it was a bad thought to have, was that these are the very same people who have helped me in some other way. I know it's not you take advantage of me this way and I take advantage of you some other way kinda thing, yet it made me feel like I was being ungrateful for thinking of them this way because I had been at the receiving end of their help as well. 

I once read this quote during a temple tour - 人生最大的修养是宽容, that a person's greatest cultivation is tolerance. I think it actually takes a lot to not hold it against someone even when they do not treat you nicely. I for one cannot say that I am always able to do that. Maybe it would be easier to just not be so affected in the first place as everyone has different values. 

A thought a day for a week

1. Let go of negative people
Some people just drain you of all your energy. It happens. Don't try to save the world, you can't save everyone from their bad (seriously, can you even call it bad...) life of work/unfairness/unhappiness/love/whatever makes them think their life is bad. There just comes a point in time you need to cut these people out of your life before they drain every single drop of energy and positivity from you.

2. Stay true to yourself
Believe in yourself and live by the values you believe in. The more you try to be someone you're not, the more you lose yourself and your direction.

3. Look forward
Nothing will change the past. Harping on it and wallowing will only put you in a worse state that you're really in. Pack up and keep moving forward. Do not let your past disappointments keep you from achieving the things you can do. Also, refer to 1.

4. Nothing comes without hard work
No food for those who do not work - old but definitely wise Chinese saying. If you're working less that others, there is no reason you should be reaping more.

5. Gratitude
Do not forget all the grace and help you've received from those who have supported you when you were down. Count your blessings. You can never thank enough. Appreciate your lover too - it's never easy loving someone and all their weird antics.

6. Take the time to smell the flowers
There's always time to slow down and give the people who deserve your attention more time. Don't wait till time has passed before wishing you'd done more.

7. Think fast, decide fast, act fast
Be decisive and clear about what you want. Act fast or someone will beat you to it. That said, don't act on impulse too.